A Less Than Modest Proposal

Dear President Obama,

It is a horrible sight to me when, as I drive to school in the morning staring blearily out the window, I am confronted with the stiff legs and bloody fur of roadkill. Most often, I find (if I can make him out at all), my newest furry friend is of the canine species, or, at least, he once was. The sight elicits much the same response from me that a stray, collarless member of the “man’s best friend” species wandering the streets does, and I wonder just why these animals aren’t being put to use somewhere instead of being allowed to roam around our cities, dirtying our car tires with their blood, eating out of our trash-cans, and generally disturbing the public with their innocent eyes and wagging tails.

Should not this monstrosity be dealt with or at least recognized? Are there no more humane societies? And the pounds, are they still in operation? Apparently so, and still I am subjected to the view of these mutts urinating on the boulevard and still I must lose my valuable sleep to their incessant barking at all hours of the night. I ask you is this fair?

I think that everyone will agree that a solution is called for. (Excuse my passive-voice, but I believe that the emphasis on the solution itself was necessary.) Too long have we been plagued by mangy mongrels inhabiting our streets and it it is for that reason that I now make a proposal which indeed shall go beyond even the issue at hand!

As I am sure you are aware, countless lay-about activists continually insist upon informing us that the world is in not-so-great a shape. In fact, it’s going to those bloody dogs. Our oceans are steadily being transformed into new continents of trash that stubbornly refuse to degrade for upwards of 500 years. Our atmosphere is clouded by “green-house gases” and “Global Warming” is at the forefront of the mind of every gas-guzzling-limo-driving bigshot invited to the UN Climate Change Conference. Our supplies of natural resources are steadily (or, to be honest, quickly) running out. And, because the cake lacked icing, our world population continues to grow, far outstripping these limited resources. The world groans. The activists whine. And no one does anything productive.

I look upon my country as one might look upon a dying relative: with love and some sense of disgust. And so it is that I provide, here and now, a solution to the problems which I have here brought forward. Why not use these delightful puppies as a source of food?

The consumption of dog meat (which is legal in forty-six of our fifty states) would provide a neat little solution to the issue of stray overpopulation in America as well as contribute to the efforts against global warming, waste, hunger, and the depletion of natural resources.

Eating the meat of dogs, as I hope is apparent, would help feed the rising population of America, while cutting down on waste. Of course I am not suggesting that we dine on people’s house pets—some of our more soft-hearted citizens might find that barbaric, but just think of all the stray and impounded dogs which no one in the world cares a thing about! Every year in America, an estimated four million dogs enter shelters and only about 600,000 of those are reclaimed by there owners. About 2.1 million of those remaining dogs are euthanized and this number does not include the amount that are either put down by their owners or that die as strays, never having been brought to the pound.

Do people not realize how much meat we waste in such a manner? It is deplorably superfluous, especially with our population on a steady rise, causing people to constantly worry about how to feed us all. The solution is staring us in the face!

Statistics in this realm do not exist because at the moment no one cares what the average number of wasted pounds of dog meat in America annually is, but if one were to take the average person’s idea of the average weight of a dog (35-40 lbs.) and multiply it by 2.1 million, one would find that approximately 77,700,000 pounds of dog meat are wasted every year. Just think of all the mouths that could feed!

In order to meet the rising meat demand consequent of the growing population, America is forced to raise more and more animals for slaughter each year which means destroying more and more natural resources. Most worryingly, perhaps, is the effect animal agriculture has on land. In the United States, more that 260 million acres of forest have been clear cut to accommodate animals raised for slaughter. This number does not include the amount of land that has been put to use raising crops to feed slaughter-house bound animals, land which has been put under so much pressure to produce crops that about ninety percent of it loses its topsoil at thirteen times the sustainable rate, meaning that the land becomes less and less useful over time. In addition to this, we import meat, most often from South America. The numbers are astonishing: for every hamburger produced in the United States that originated from animals raised on rainforest land, approximately fifty-five square feet of rain forest were cut down. Just think about that the next time you go buy a burger and maybe you’ll decide you can make do with a yoghurt instead.

But with the use of dog meat as food we would not need to waste so much of our beautiful country in raising crops for slaughter-bound animals nor for rooming those animals themselves.

Though it may seem a disadvantage that dogs are smaller than say cows or pigs, in truth it is not for their sheer number makes up for it and their size makes them easier to house. I do not propose any particular system for institution which would govern the way dogs are raised for slaughter; I leave that to those more knowledgable in the management of such things. I do not care whether dogs are raised in the same way that cattle and pigs and sheep are now: on “factory farms,” specialized, mechanized businesses run by corporations whose sole purpose is profit, which usually accommodate one species and house hundreds at a time in what could be considered horrible conditions, or if they are merely collected from the streets and shelters and taken to rendering plants, or if they are treated humanely.

In any case, the facts are the same: raising dogs is easier. They’re smaller (though just as good or better for you than beef and pork, having a much better protein to fat ratio), eat less, and already exist plentifully. Besides this, dogs produce less waste than, say, cows do. Waste from animal agriculture often becomes a problem—particularly in smaller countries*, but as America’s animal agriculture industry grows, so does the chance of waste disposal becoming an issue for us too.

Cutting down on animals such as cows that produce a large amount of waste (that is usually not properly disposed of and is illegally dumped in water, contaminating it and producing ammonia, a colorless gas capable of poisoning and killing plants) and instead instituting animals that produce a much smaller amount of waste improves sanitation as well as preserves resources. If America instituted the consumption of dog meat, we could afford to slowly lower the number of cattle raised for slaughter (which means, in the interests of animal rights, that we could afford to give them more space and better living conditions) and effectively give back exhausted land to normal agriculture, improving our resources even more.

Eating the dogs that we euthanize or that would otherwise die and litter the streets and freeways of our country also cuts down on the waste of land in the sense that people no longer need worry about where to dispose of the bodies of these dogs.

While some states do not specify what should be done with the bodies of dead animals euthanized in their shelters (and I shudder to think what they do do with them), many states require the bodies of these animals to be buried. For instance, in the Connecticut state regulations for pounds there is a stipulation that dead dogs shall be removed from the proximity of other dogs and preserved in a freezer until it is convenient to bury or cremate them. In either case the body and meat of the dog is being wasted, however the burying of dead or euthanized dogs at pounds is completely absurd!

Already concerns have arisen about where to bury the growing number of human dead without worry about the disposal of dogs! Burying a stray dog is not only a waste of his perfectly edible meat but of usable land as well. Of course, a buried dog will decompose quite quickly, but it isn’t as if pounds can bury dogs just anywhere. They must have marked areas in which to do so meaning that the land in which these animals are enshrined is rendered completely useless for any practical use until the pound moves and everyone forgets what used to be there. This is a gross inefficiency! We, as people, have no right to place our sentimentality for these flea-bitten curs over the well-being of our planet and the proper usage of its resources.

My final point is with regards to all the recent hype about “global warming,” for with the consumption of dog meat, methane emissions could successfully be cut.

One of the greatest contributors to this “global warming” business, methane gas traps twenty-five times the amount of heat in the atmosphere as the carbon monoxide produced by cars does. Of this alarming amount of methane, twenty-five percent is produced by cattle alone (through their manure and digestive systems), while animals in feedlots produce 35 million tons of methane gas a year. Dogs of course, like all mammals, produce methane gas, but a completely negligible amount. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find any studies comparing the methane emissions of cows to that of dogs (though I would be happy to undertake one if you would like to fund it, Mr. P), but it is unquestionable that emissions would be cut if dogs replaced even only part of the cattle raised for slaughter in this country.

I have reached the end of my proposal, Mr. President, and I wish to entreat upon you the importance of my solution before you toss these pages in the waste-paper basket.

Consider:  an average American consumes 200 pounds of meat per year and 77,700,000 pounds of dog meat go to waste in the same amount of time. Easy solution to helping the food supply meet growing demand? I think so. And with the same stone you eliminate the problem of stray dogs crowding American cities.

Then, eating dog meat would be so much better for our country. Land would be saved and carbon emissions and waste cut; there are no downsides. And just think of the economy of the whole thing! There would be no need to buy these dogs as there would be no one to buy them from, making the production of dog meat dirt cheap! So cheap it wouldn’t even hurt to employ people to round up strays and pay them for it, creating new jobs for the thousands of jobless Americans.

So Mr. President, I present this to you with the best intentions, thinking only of the benefit it might bring to America and her people and to the world as a whole. Please consider it carefully and thank you for taking the time to read my humble suggestion.

Sincerely yours,

An Extremely Concerned Citizen

*I had this brilliant example talking about Holland here but I cut it because my paper was already 7 pages long and my teacher likes conciseness. I miss it.

A/N: This is a JOKE. J-O-K-E. I’m not serious. This shouldn’t be taken seriously. JK. LOL. All that stuff. I think dogs are cute. I do not advocate for their mass murder so that we can fill the lunch boxes of America’s youth with dog meat sandwiches. However, all the stats and facts I used are REAL. Just food for thought there.

I’d also never write to our president like this. Even though it was really fun to do.

And remember this? That was this paper.

And just to prove to you that  I’m not actually sadistic, these are my dogs:

dogs

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